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Undrowning - Wave 2

This is blog 2 of 6 discussing an art series I started in 2012. Read part 1 here.

I completed Wave 2, Drowning just a few days after the 1st wave.

At the time, I was feeling particularly crushed by a romantic break up with a long time friend. I'd had break ups before though, including a divorce so I didn't understand why I felt like a black hole was swallowing me up this time. I've been through much worse. Often I create something and feel I understand what I've said with it and then years later feel my higher creativity may have been trying to show me something entirely different...

For years I looked at this image with sorrow. It was born of a deeply sad time in my life. It represented the culmination of a life time of believing that I could fill the cracks in my soul with external ideas and other people. If this last hope, this past love couldn't fix me... What now? I'd spent a life time looking back. All I knew was to look backwards. I had convinced myself that I had too much stuff, too much baggage, too many cracks and bruises to ever be whole or worthy. I lived in a dark black hole of my own making.

For years people would look Wave 2 and see hope and positive things. I couldn't see it. It is only now looking back that I even have the understanding of what was really happening. Those tears and that breaking of self was crucial in my journey to who I have become today. Back then I didn't know how to move forward or that I even could. I knew how to live in the past but an uncertain future was frightening. The monsters you know seem less scary than beings you don't...

I started to realize that no relationship or external idea was going to 'fix' my 'brokenness.' I began to understand that I was drowning myself in the river I was crying. The tears and the years have eroded many of the dark rocks in my heart. My foundation feels fertile for growth. I know how many of my limits are self placed. That river of pain transformed into powerful waves of love that are rippling to this day.

Parts 3, 4, & 5 coming soon!


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